I think I’ve spent enough time in the brainstorming process for these long overdue additions to the great faith that has received an immense amount of critical acclaim, and the podcast, although it may still be very much in the making, has postponed this inevitable textual appendix companion, and I will not allow it to do so any longer.
Without further ado, I give you additions and previous omissions of the description of the Omni-Transformist faith.
The Quaranatee 1.678-B is the original first draft of the Qutoble. It was written in squirrel-tounge and read left-to-right top-to-bottom, like any normal book. The story is that a Beefcake (see below) left the Quranatee sitting on a park bench after finishing it, and an extremist Satan-Worshiping South African Squirrel tagged as “678-B DELTA” came across it and began to marvel at her pages. He began to hate the forces of light that seemed to assist the forces of Jesus, Mohammed, and Larry in every adventure they had in Hogwarts and (in the seventh book of Jesus) beyond. DELTA then decided that if the Beefcakes could write their own religion, then he could too. Upon thinking this, DELTA exploded due to unknown causes. The next satanist squirrel (678-C TAKETWO) to read the Quranatee actually did not explode, but instead founded the evil cult “HAIL TO THE SQUIRREL.”
The HTTS members now take up a whopping 4% of the growing squirrel population. In their daily worshiping practices, the devil-squirrels do several satanic acts of non-penance (known as Evil in the holy tongue of the Qutoble). Some (but not all) of these evils are:
Seeing a squirrel, especially one that is South African, commit the above acts of evil confirms its status as an HTTS follower, and as such, must be removed from existence by any Neil-loving follower of Omni-Transformism by way of rapid prayer or Saddlebacking (details in the future). It is said that it causes the eyes of a true HTTS follower to bleed from the evil that is escaping at least a sixth of its soul. If you see no blood of the squirrel, then continue on your way to the closest softball tournament to pay penance for your mistake.
There was a time in the late twentieth century when three individuals graced the Earth at once as prophets, and their names were Knox, Upahn, and Willow1. Knox was the first of the three prophets, and he is known as the creator of the Omni-Transformist youth camp.
Knox never knew he was a prophet until Neil contacted him, but you couldn’t say there weren’t signs, like the fact that things caught fire when he said blasphemous things. His guidance counselor said it was just puberty, even after catching fire herself one day, so the idea of him being “special” was dropped completely.
Neil contacted Knox out of the blue one day, and tasked Knox with one job: create an Omni-Transformist youth camp to compete with those other Heathen faiths and their religious escapes in both monetary and spiritual capital. It’s said that Neil was down in both due to a nasty gambling habit. On the last day of the task, Neil told Knox to name the camp “The Holy Summer Camp To Spread The Manatee’s Grace And Deter Premarital Sexual Activity In The Youth,” but unfortunately, the night before, Knox had been doing some hardcore disco to celebrate his being a prophet, and his hearing was very impaired.
To not embarass himself or make the creator repeat himself, Knox tried to the best of his ability to replicate what he heard on paper and later called FastSigns to commit the title to a sign and CafePress to make T-Shirts and magnets. The result was the altered title “The Holy Camp For Man Sex,” and it didn’t necessarily attract too many young followers. Knox and Neil both tried to reverse the mistake, but FastSigns has a 24-Hour limit on last-minute changes, according to the now-holy text, “Policies and Procedures of FastSigns.”
Things got better, though, and now the camp thrives. Details on camper life are to be described later on.
There are several sub-Neil entities that still exist beyond the human/prophet realm, and their mentions in the Qutoble vary from significant to extremely insignificant. None of them are Gods or deities, but all of them deserve at least some respect2.
Jeff is Neil’s distant biological cousin, as many are aware already. No one knows from what wombs these entities came, but we all know that they definitely did come. He lives on Pluto and acts as the Phallic symbol of our faith – wherever you see Jeff in art you should be seeing a symbol of fertility, and some believe that he actually is the shaft of the Transformer-Messiah’s genitalia, but none of that is proven. He is responsible for convincing Neil to create sex, but it was originally intended to be an entertaining competitive sport, but Neil disagreed and changed it from its original name, Baseball, to Sexual Intercourse.
Squippy The Imaginary Squirrel is Neil’s first brutal critic. Squippy believed Neil’s biggest mistake was the universe, and Neil, in an attempt to please his imaginary friend, has always tried to improve upon the first mistake. He first tries this with humanity and fails miserably, and then has his only great success with manatees, and now has begun to improve upon humanity with prophets (Omni-Transformism).
The Great and Beautiful Emperor-King Antschuldigunkinsehfet-Othentiklan Deleano Menthalonsolomonpokemon MCXLVII (The One-Thousand, One-Hundred and Fourty Seventh), Mastermind In The Art Of Mah-Jong And Checkers, And Leader Of The Honorable Hindirislean People To Alien Prosperity is Jeff’s friend, and is mentioned once in the entire Qutoble.
The Holy Number of Omni-Transformism is 5.50078 (rounded sometimes to 5.5), which is the exact amount of cc’s of Adam’s “man-juice” (in the holy language, “myrrh”) that was needed to artificially inseminate Eve, the monobreasted whore of Eden, before she could be tempted by a “snake.”
I was asked by a follower to describe the structure of phone calls, and I had to dig hard into the ever-growing Qutoble to even find something to even partially answer the question. There is a collection of around seven to eighteen-hundred different texts that have been assimilated into or written for the Qutoble. The texts list any and all aspects of living a very pious and structured OTist lifestyle, and are sometimes interpreted as part of the notorious XTREME!!! section of the Qutoble. It is known as the “Manual Of Users” and has seen the greatest benefit from the OT policy of assimilation of holy texts over the past century. Some say that followers of strictly the “Manual,” called “Abusers,” are just as zealous as the XTREME!!! followers that you will read about later.
After looking thoroughly through the list of commands and lists of lists in the “Manual,” I did find a text that mentions phone conversation, called “The Producers,” and written by Mel Brooks for the stage, a prophet who has been assumed to be the Jugular Vein of the Transformed-Messiah3. I will now quote the text in its fullness:
“The instructions below are only for use in either formal or holy phone calls. [Editor: This procedure has now been retired from required use, and has been instead been marked as an optional XTREME!!! practice.]
0:00 – Greet the other, in a preferably formal manner. (”Neil prompts my sorrows to greet thee!”) Also pray silently while the other speaker is greeting you.
0:05 – At this point and every five minutes afterward, the receiver of the call must compliment one awkward trait about the caller. It doesn’t necessarily have to be true.
0:10 – Every ten minutes, you must keep it light, keep it bright, and keep it gay.
0:15 – Every fifteen minutes, the caller must praise a specific prophet for the phone call. It cannot be the same prophet every time. (”BLESS KNOX AND HIS DISCO FOR THIS PHONE CALL!”)
0:30 – Every thirty minutes you must tell each other a specific way that you have dishonored the other, but you cannot comment or respond to each other’s act(s) of dishonor until the next thirty minute mark. These are encouraged to be true, but if one runs out of acts of dishonor, then they can lie.
0:45 – Every fourty-five minutes you must curse very loudly into the mouthpiece to distract and confuse any HAIL TO THE SQUIRREL cultists that may have bugged the call.
1:00 – At every hour, you must verbally praise Neil…After doing the 5, 15, 10, and 30 minute actions that are also due.
END – Resolve any unresolved actions from the above ahead of schedule and close with a dirty insult and a Hitler joke or reference.”
Believe it or not, I have been approached and asked if there is a way to act more zealously or less zealously as an Omni-Transformist, and I realized that to be a religion that wants to accommodate all levels of insanity religious fervor, we should have varying levels of intensity in the faith itself. I have come up with the following.
Nonthinker (In the holy tongue, the Heathen) – Practicers (or non-practicers) who may or may not have even heard of Omni-Transformism, and barely acknowledge their status as followers of Neil. In short, everyone is an OTist, and sometimes the way they show their love for Neil is yelling obscenities about how offensive or blasphemous the religion is. Neil knows and touches all, regardless.
Casual Practicer (Phallus) – Those who might have read the Qutoble or at least act like they kind of did. The Phalluses (Phalli?) rarely pray and follow the most popular of the guidelines and rules of the religion.
Those Who Are Kind Of Into It (Inebriate) – Kind of a buffer between the Phallus group and the XTREME!!!, they are more ritualistic in the religious practice. They also have a special prayer to Jeff that is basically just a Pizza Hut phone call that is rarely rewarding.
Extreme Followers (XTREME!!!) – The only sub-beefcake sect of practice that was assimilated from a holy text called “The Sports Bible, Third Edition.” The XTREME!!! followers have a specific section of the Qutoble set aside for them alone, that outlines new tests of faith, stories, and practices that they must be loyal to on TOP of the original teachings that the Inebriates follow.
Qutoblical Scholar (Beefcake) – Those who are adept followers and scholars of the Qutoble’s many texts. They have the power to interpret (usually incorrectly) the OT Church’s position on current events and issues (usually missionary). They add new literature based on the Wiki Guidelines that were adapted from the religion of Soviet Russianism. Beefcakes can go to the OT University and become High Priests.
Priest (Manaman) – A studied preacher of Omni-Transformism. Has power to build churches and conduct sermons. Also on the receiving end of the conversion process.
High Priest – Organizer of the Intentional Bureaucracy Of The Waistline and filers of holy paperwork. Acts as conductor of extremely important ceremonies, like conversions, bar mitzvahs, and beerfests.
Hybrids – Inebriate/XTREME!!! Followers that are given holy benefits. They don’t do much beyond be regarded with high reputation, and they aren’t actually more fuel-efficient than the diesel-powered priests, and they can’t even go above fifty miles per hour.
I hope you all enjoyed that.
1 NOT Sarah Palin’s children.
2 “Respect,” as in not looking at their junk in the bathroom.
3 The movie didn’t do the play any justice, btw.